Truth about my Mom

The love of a mother that I never understood. The love of a father that had too many moral rules to follow to deserve it. The love of a selfish sister who thought I invade her space the minute I arrived to her life. The love of a mother who had among her priorities her own brothers and sisters. We as her children were never her priority in her lives list. We were supposed to understand that in her passed life she had suffered the premature death of her parents and therefore we were obliged to comprehend her love as it was and not to judge or claim for more than what she was capable of giving us. I remembered that I was never supposed to ask her for more. I believed what my father intended me to comprehend was that she was incapable of loving me more.

I was naive to think mothers should do love more their own flesh and blood. My hope kept telling me that my Dad was mistaken. But now I come to realize that in my hope I was wrong.

My mother was fifteen when she lost her mother and then she was around 22 when she lost her father. By then she had two daughters, my sister and me. She was at her self-center when she lost my grandmother. She was a teenager dealing with too many emotional issues. Then she found my Dad who was too good to let her by herself in so much pain after the lost of her mother. So they became sweethearts they got pregnant and by the time she was 17 she had to raise a baby girl pay for a living and be married to an amazing handsome and very young gay, my father. 

I know everything was too fast. 3 years later they had another child. By the way I kicked they thought I was going to be a boy. But I gave them the surprise of their lives they were going to have another girl. So much different from the first that I made them paid for all they did to their own parents when they were younger. I cried all the time, I jumped into my mothers and fathers head all the time and by three I kept crying, peeing and yelling at them because well let's face it they couldn't understand what I wanted. Apparently neither do I . 

Time to say goodbye

This is not my first ride,
Nor the first going down,
It just feels like the last one,
Maybe I have just learned what I needed.

Its time to let go,
I had an amazing time in life,
I feel like I lived almost everything,
I have been loved,
I have loved,
I have been sick,
I have been healthy,
I just don't see what else is missing.

I wished I could forgotten  so much bullshit,
I wished my family could shown more support,
I wished I could had lived more happy moments,
I wished I could had learned to enjoy more.

I know lots of people will judge me,
I know just a few might understand why I did it,
I know a friend that will understand and perhaps will follow my steps,
I know others will forget me eventually.

I feel like to let go.
I feel it is time.
I feel like this is it.


I am sorry I couldn't do more,
I am sorry I wasn't there for you anymore,
I am sorry I couldn't stop it,
I am sorry I couldn't wish for more.

I hope you will forget me someday,
I hope you will meet someone special,
I hope you will be happy the way I never could,
I hope you will feel life they way it should.

For me it is just time to say goodbye.

Vicky Butterfly

What am I looking for?

This night I come humbly asking a simple yet hard question for me to answer.

What am I looking for?
Could it be love?
Could it be knowledge?
Could it be money?
Could it be all of them?

Meaning...

I 've been loved yet I have dumped those who I've loved more than myself.
I hadn't appreciated them that much. I didn't care for them the way I should have had.
Yet, today I am here dying to feel that again. Willingly I come to tell you I might change my feelings or I could have stronger feelings now that I have already let go.

Could it be knowledge?
But even thinking about knowledge. What kind? Certainly history is not my field. Yet I can't stop thinking about my own history. My own past.
However the thoughts about how people can developed towards any kind of creations. That really makes me thirsty for more.

Could it be money?
I think money could make your life easier yet when you have it all? What would keep you alive?

Help other and perhaps you'll find your own path in life. Make yourself useful. As my cousin might say.

Phoenix

If, just if...

Past, if anyone could understand.
If anyone could understand how I feel,
They either would run away or stay for good,
Like friends I have to be grateful as some understand a little,
Others perhaps the best don't understand a word,
But at least they stay around.

Damn my actions who regretted those who accepted me,
Damn my actions who kept me going in the wrong direction,
Damn my thoughts who rather flew away from the past,
Rather than accepting it and working on it, fulfilling the present,
With better actions, better decisions, at least truthful to myself.

Even now 30 years later I want to scream. Damn you!
I will do as I please even if that means to leave in poverty,
I will take a risk and make my own way,
But not even today I can say I find the courage nor the way.

I travel around to the past, to the future and in my present,
I still don't find the answer.
Although closer than ever
I just feel it.
However the closest I feel I am.
The scariest I feel.
If only I could,
Just if.

Sedona
By Miss Butterfly Slim

Shadow of Memories

I thought about us so many times,
And yet that is never going to happen again.
No matter how much I think about it,
I cannot concrete my thoughts into actions.

I am trying to respect your wishes so much,
I am trying so much to burn these thoughts,
I am trying so much to burn this feeling,
I am trying so much to block my inner me,

I need to change my lands,
I need to go away from your memory,
I need to convince myself you do not exist anymore.

I have thought so many times on going to your house for an hour and so,
I have thought so many times on what to say if I had the courage,
I have thought so many times on what would your reaction be,
I have thought and yet I haven't done anything but this,

These words are my way to free myself,
These words are my chamber,
These words protect me of going crazy,
These words protect me of loosing myself,
These words protect you of me as well,
These words are my only company,

Now that I realized that I will survive,
Now that I realized that you will live,
Now that I realized that we are not to be together,

I know I have to let go,
I know I need to go,
I know these words won't be the last,
I know now that you will always be in my shadows.

However I will try not to be in yours.
And again I am sorry.

To R.A.M.O.

Memories

In a Dream

In a Dream

Do you really hate me that much?
Do you really hate me?
I believe if I understood what do you think about me I would hate me too.
But instead you don't talk to me, I am in love with a memory.
A memory that follows you everywhere and anywhere.
I dreamt about you last night and in the dream I told you I was sorry while I was hugging you with my arms around your neck.
I fought with your mother. She was trying to protect you from me.
She was afraid I would hurt you again.
But I stood up and answered her that I was there for you and only for you.
That I didn't care about anything else but you.
I said I did understand why she thought about me so low.
However and even thought I knew I didn't deserve another chance I was there begging for their good heart and yours to give me another opportunity to love you and to be with you.
I was truly just there to devote my life to you, to love and to respect you for as long as God would allow me to.
And knowing now that it was only a dream I come here to this place where I feel safe.
Trusting my thoughts to The Universe with the hope that perhaps some day you will read these lines and will give me after some years another chance.

To R.A.M.O.
Let me be that person again...

Forget you.

I need to forget you

They said I had to forget you,

They said I must let you go from my deep memories,

They said I should let it in the past,

They said I have to burried the memories,

But I do not need such a pain,

I already loose you once,

Yet why to have the pain of loosing you again

That I cannot let,

I will always remember you as I promise you once,

I will always say thank you for all you did and have done. 

By Vicky Butterfly Slim